Monogamish? Relationship Anarchist? Polyamorous?: A Quiz for Self Discovery

Relationships can take many different forms, and in the 21^st century, we have more options than ever before.

Options can be exciting, but sometimes having so many can feel overwhelming, especially in the echo-chambers of social media, where advocates for one way or another might seem like they have all the answers.

I designed this quiz to support you to check in with yourself about what is important to you in a romantic relationship.

For each of the following questions, choose the option that feels most true right now. Don’t overthink it and don’t give the answer that you wish were true or that you think you should provide. There are no wrong answers, only the right answer for you today. Also keep in mind that your feelings and thoughts about these topics may change over time, with new experiences, mind shifts, and information.

The Questions

1. When you imagine a long-term relationship, what feels most appealing to you?

A. Building a deeply exclusive emotional and sexual bond
B. Mostly exclusive, with some flexibility or exceptions
C. Emotional commitment with recreational sex elsewhere
D. Emotional commitment plus openness to other connections
E. Multiple loving relationships with different roles
F. Relationships shaped by choice, not structure

2. How do you tend to experience jealousy?

A. Strongly and in destabilising ways
B. Present, but manageable with reassurance
C. I feel jealousy mostly about emotional closeness/intimacy, not about sex
D. It’s a signal to communicate or renegotiate
E. Expected, workable, and contextual
F. Jealousy is a natural emotion (or something I do not experience); it’s not as important as autonomy and agency of people

3. What feels most threatening in a relationship?

A. Sexual or emotional exclusivity being broken
B. Being replaced emotionally
C. Emotional secrecy
D. Loss of honesty or consent
E. Loss of agreed-upon roles or priorities
F. Loss of autonomy or having rules imposed

4. Which of these statements feels most true?

A. Love thrives best with clear exclusivity: one person with one other person
B. Love is primary, but attraction happens
C. Sex and love don’t always need to overlap
D. Love for one partner isn’t diminished by loving others
E. Love can look very different with different people
F. Love is freedom and it resists hierarchy and ownership

5. How do you feel about relationship rules?

A. Necessary and reassuring
B. Helpful, with some flexibility
C. Useful for clarity, especially around sex
D. Prefer agreements over rules
E. Needed to manage complexity
F. Often restrictive and unnecessary

6. What appeals to you about non-monogamy (if anything)?

A. Not much — exclusivity feels right
B. Reduced pressure on one partner
C. Sexual novelty without emotional change or threat from deep connection with other(s)
D. Authenticity and choice
E. Multiple meaningful bonds
F. Freedom from prescribed relationship norms

7. What does commitment mean to you?

A. Choosing one person, fully
B. Choosing one person, realistically
C. Showing up emotionally
D. Transparency and care
E. Responsibility within agreed structures
F. Ongoing consent and mutual choice

8. How do you feel about hierarchy in relationships?

A. Essential
B. Comfortable
C. Acceptable if clear
D. Situational
E. Necessary for stability
F. Prefer to avoid it

Scoring Your Results

If you responded with mostly one letter (6 or more of the same letter) through the eight questions, that might mean that you fall clearly into one preferred relationship structure (see definitions below):

Mostly A → Solidly Monogamous
Mostly B → Monogamish
Mostly C → Swinging
Mostly D → Open Relationship
Mostly E → Hierarchical Polyamory
Mostly F → Relationship Anarchy

If your answers indicate that you are split between two or three letters, this might be meaningful. You might be

• in transition: still with one foot in a certain way of doing relationships with the other in a different way

• influenced by past relationships: fears, hangups, and habits from previous connections might be tinting some of the issues embedded in these questions
• context-dependent: for example, you may have partly answered some of the questions from the perspective of your current knowledge-base and current partner(s)
• still discovering what fits

If you aren’t solidly one thing, that’s not a problem. It’s data.

What Your Results Mean

Solidly Monogamous

You value exclusivity, depth, and clarity. This isn’t about fear or limitation. It’s about how safety and intimacy work best for you. Sometimes people are wired strongly for exclusivity, and it’s no more or less evolved than other relationship structures. The important thing is to be clear about it and to find a partner who wants the same arrangement.

Monogamish

You’re largely monogamous, but you recognise that desire, attraction, or flexibility don’t disappear just because commitment exists. Trust matters more than rigidity. You might do well in a mostly exclusive relationship structure with some wiggle room around the edges, such as flirting/making out/having sex with someone once while traveling away from home, for example, or having a sexting/video-sex interaction with a stranger, but not with it being a full-on or recurrent thing.

Swinging

You distinguish clearly between sex and emotional intimacy. Sexual exploration with other people can coexist with emotional commitment when expectations are clear between the original couple. Some couples enjoy swinging together, swapping partners or soft-swapping, and regularly engage in swinging events and activities.

Open Relationship

You value honesty, consent, and flexibility. Emotional bonds matter, but exclusivity isn’t required for commitment or care. In an open relationship, both partners are committed to each other but have freedom and flexibility to date, sleep with, or pursue emotional and physical intimacy with other people. Sometimes this is done with lots of discussion as things unfold, sometimes people choose to enact a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.

Hierarchical Polyamory

You’re comfortable with multiple loving relationships that have different roles, levels of priority, or structures. Intentionality and communication are key. In a hierarchy, there may be a “primary”, “secondary”, or “comet partner”, and each relationship’s levels and ability to grow might be directly influenced by the partners’ other relationships. Hierarchical polyamory sometimes is enacted as a protective measure for a previously-monogamous partnership.

Relationship Anarchy

You prioritise autonomy, mutual consent, and freedom from prescribed relationship scripts. Each relationship stands on its own terms. Sometimes called “solo polyam” or “self partnered”, relationship anarchy refuses bounds or strictures on whether a connection escalates or de-escalates; it is totally determined by consent over time.

A quick note

This quiz doesn’t tell you what you should want — only what may fit you best right now. Hopefully taking this quiz has helped you delve into some of the underlying assumptions you might have about love/relationships. Even if you didn’t get a completely ironclad answer, it is a great starting point for deeper exploration and discussion with friends, your partner(s), or a professional.

I help people relate authentically. If you want support understanding what relationship structure and agreements will support you living in a balance of feeling safe and free, get in touch.