A Quiz for Whether to Attempt Repair or to Move Toward Separation

The call or email comes in, and I can hear the exhaustion and stuckness in the person’s voice.

“I love my partner, but I just can’t keep doing what I’m doing. We keep having the same arguments over and over again, and I’m really tired.”

Or, “It’s like we’re stuck. It’s not good, but I don’t know how to know if it’s bad enough that we should separate.”

Relationships can bring us great joy, but when they aren’t going well, they can cause a lot of pain, heartache, and confusion.

When I’m working with a couple who is feeling stuck and conflicted about continuing to try to repair the relationship or to go their separate ways, I have a brief quiz that I use to help get some clarity. While no simple quiz can give you a black and white answer on something as big and complex as whether to end a relationship, the answers that emerge from this questionnaire can provide some insight and data.

The way I recommend you complete this quiz is by yourself, when you’re in a relatively calm emotional state.

1. Emotional safety: do you feel safer with your partner than you do without your partner? When you have a difficult day, do you feel mostly safe talking with your partner about what’s going on?
2. Goodwill: When your partner is upset, do you still care about their wellbeing, even if you don’t agree with or share their perspective?
3. Personal Accountability/Responsibility: Can you name at least one way that you are contributing to the current difficult relationship dynamics?
4. Repair energy: Can you imagine investing significant effort and time for the next 2 to 3 months into the relationship, even if things are uncomfortable? Do you have the capacity, energy, and willingness to work on things?
5. Future imagination: When you picture staying together as a couple, does your body feel settled? Or does it feel tense?
6. Containment: Can you commit to not escalating conflict (yelling, stonewalling, threats of leaving) during a trial period to work on repair and healing?

Once you have reflected on and answered each of those questions, you might not necessarily have a 100% answer, but you hopefully will have a greater degree of awareness and acceptance of how you’re currently feeling in and thinking about the relationship and your capacity to stay versus go.

As a coach, when I use this with clients, if either or both members of a couple answer no to three or more of the questions, that signals significant problems that either need to be addressed in an intensive way, if they agree to do so. Conversely, seeing those things laid out simply and clearly might nudge one or both partners in the direction of respectful separation.

I’m a New Zealand–based relationship coach supporting people through relationship difficulties, relationship repair, and separation/divorce.

If you’re looking for thoughtful, grounded support, you can find out more about working with me here.