You Probably Weren’t Taught How to Feel Your Feelings

Why emotional regulation is about more than nervous system “hacks”

If you spend any time online, particularly on TikTok or other social media platforms filled with short-form personal development and relationship advice, you’ve likely heard the term “nervous system regulation.”

There are countless creators offering techniques and hacks to support your nervous system, from cold plunges and breathwork to EFT and energetic boundary-setting.

What a time to be alive. 🤯 Much of this information can be genuinely helpful—or, at the very least, harmless. But sometimes I worry that when a concept becomes trendy (even a good one), we muddy the waters and miss the main point.

What Are We Actually Trying to Regulate?

What do all of these nervous system tools and practices ultimately aim to support?
Emotional regulation.

Unfortunately, most of us were never taught how to effectively feel our feelings — and then work with them in a healthy way.

Instead, many of us learned in childhood and adolescence how to:

• suppress or deny emotions
• distract ourselves from them
• misdirect or project them onto others

In short, we often believe we’re “feeling our feelings,” when in reality we’re doing almost anything we can to escape them. This might look like mindless scrolling, blaming our partner, numbing with alcohol or other substances, or acting out in harmful ways.

You might recognise this pattern in thoughts like:

“I couldn’t help it — I was so angry I had to do something.”

But how would you know how to do something healthier if no one ever showed you?

Where Did We Learn This?

When you were angry, overwhelmed, or distressed as a toddler, did you have a caregiver who modelled and explicitly taught how to feel what you were feeling without judgement?

Most people I know didn’t.

Many parents, often with the best of intentions, tried to protect their children from difficult emotions like boredom, loneliness, rejection, or disappointment. Emotions were frequently labelled as “positive” or “negative,” rather than being recognised as valuable information and valid human experiences.

Why So Many Adults Struggle to Name Their Feelings

In my work as a relationship coach, I often see clients arrive at an early session with a surprising realisation:

they don’t actually know how they feel in any given moment.

Or they know they’re experiencing something unpleasant or challenging, but they aren’t sure what to do with those feelings once they notice them.

Social media advice often focuses on calming techniques to bring you out of a briefly dysregulated state — and those can be useful. But what’s frequently missing is guidance on how to stay with your feelings and experience them without being overtaken by them.

A Simple Practice: The Feel Your Feelings Journal

To address this gap, I’ve developed a simple activity that I regularly use with my coaching clients, called the Feel Your Feelings Journal (available to download for free in the Free Downloadable Resources folder).

You can use:

• the notes app on your phone or tablet
• a laptop
• a paper journal

At least once a day — and especially during emotionally heightened moments — pause and gently stay with the feeling.

Start by noticing where the sensation shows up in your body and naming it.
As the saying goes: “Name it to tame it.”

Feel Your Feelings Journal Prompts

Use the following prompts:

1. I feel…
Use a word or short phrase that describes an emotion — not a thought masquerading as a feeling.
For example:
✅ I feel lonely
❌I feel like she doesn’t care because she didn’t text back

2. Trigger (briefly):
Just enough detail to jog your memory.
For example:

• My mum snapped at me when I said I couldn’t talk long on the phone
• The kids were whining and I was hungry

3. Where I feel it in my body:
Examples include:

• teary eyes
• an achy chest
• a queasy stomach
• a foggy head

4. Self-validation:
Try one of these:

• It makes sense that I feel ___ because ___
• It’s okay to feel ___

Why This Practice Works

The first few times you try this, it may feel awkward, forced, or artificial. That’s normal. Like any new skill, it becomes more natural with repetition.

It’s also important to remember that our emotional reactions aren’t always about what’s happening right now. Often, they’re responses shaped by a pattern-seeking brain trying to predict danger and protect us based on past experiences.

While we tend to notice emotions most when they’re intense (rage is much easier to spot than mild irritation, for instance), it’s incredibly helpful to practise feeling a wide range of emotions, not just the uncomfortable ones.

For example, noticing when you feel:

• satisfied
• grateful
• content
• delighted

helps train your brain to recognise what’s going well. This, in turn, supports emotional regulation and gently soothes your entire nervous system.

If this resonated, you don’t have to figure it out alone.
I work with individuals and couples who want to understand their emotional patterns, feel their feelings more safely, and build more connected relationships.
Learn more about working with me or get in touch here.